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Monday, June 29, 2009


I was watching this True Life episode (yes, that is my show- i love documentaries- and NOT just MTV ones, real ones too) which was about these people who were bisexual and wanted relationships with both a man and a woman at the same time. You guys may have seen it, it was the one with A.D in it from "From G's to Gents". Well, one girl took the cake in my opinion. She was married while dating this other chick. Her husband divorced her because he probably couldn't handle the thought of her being with another woman while he was off in the military. Well, she made a statement that went something like, "the next man I date will have to accept me being with another woman". This is where I began to think about open relationships. I began to wonder why people engaged in them and what emotional toll it could take on someone.

I have never and will never be a fan of open relationships but there are many people who are. Some say that they are perfectly capable of handling their significant other being with someone else. When most people think of these "relationships", the first thing that comes to their mind is, "how can you let your man/woman sleep with someone else and you know about it?" I dont blame them because this is the way I looked at it. But then comes the reality that there is not only sexual aspects of this relationship but emotional ones too. Im NOT talking about relationships where your man or woman is cheatin on you and you either dont know about it or know about it and are praying she/he stops. Im talkin about relationships where you KNOW of this person and it is ok with you. Is the emotional relationship any worse or less worse than the sexual one?

Why do we define cheating as soley the sexual connection that took place. In my opinion, I believe that an emotional one is much worse than a sexual one. A sexual one is based off that, just sex. And while this is still a big thing, imagine if feelings were involved? This is where the line is completely crossed. When there is just sex, then it can get boring or it can get lead to the person realizing their heart is with their actual spouse. When someone develops feelings for someone then that is where it can get dangerous because that emotional connection is stronger than anything. This is where that person wants to be with that person, spend time outside of sex with that person, thinks about leaving YOU for that person. An emotional affair is just and sometimes even more painful than a physical one.But some may think otherwise.

So what happens when these emotional connections become intertwined in a 3-way relationship? I find it hard to believe that someone will not get jealous or love is never divulged towards one more than the other. How is it that people can be ok with someone they love being emotionally tied to someone while being sexually satisfied with that person as well? I mean, we are jealous by nature. Its hard to deny that. I mean, take it like this: what do you do or how do you feel when you are at a beach and your significant other does a prolonged glance at someone else (OF THE SAME SEX--for you smart-a**es lol)? Now imagine them kissing and touching and laughing and spending time together in and outside of the bedroom. Now, imagine you being aware of this and sometimes in the picture when they are engaged in this behavior. Can you handle that?

Many would see this as cheating, but is it? Is it only cheating if you are not aware of the infidelity? Or is it still not cheating if you are ok with it? I mean, this is where cheating becomes tricky because there are different opinions and situations (which i will touch on in other posts) where some may think it was cheating and others may not. I can not understand how some people can be ok with allowing someone they love to be with someone else. I know that everyone is different and all that but it is almost like saying that you are not worthy enough to have all of that person. You are not, solely, good enough for that person to give their whole heart to. You are not enough for that person to want to be with for the rest of their lives. And you are ok with this. That seems backwards to me. I feel these people are manipulating those who are weak minded and desperate for some sort of love and affection that they will take it at any costs. They want to have their fun and sleep with other people, basically have their cake and eat it too, and want you to be perfectly ok with it. That, to me, is so selfish and hurtful to the person they are claiming to love. I dont believe that there is a "the one", I believe that you maneuver in and out of relationships in life and you are genuinely in love with some of those people. However, I do not believe that you can truly be in-love (NOTE: im not sayin LOVE, im saying IN-LOVE..there is a difference) someone and be open to having emotional and sexual ties to someone else.

So, is this cheating?


Anonymous said...

Open relationships are cop out for 2 people who either, players, commitment phobes, are losers. Call me old fashioned, but relationships are sacred, and through relationships open the floodgates to love, admiration, childrens, mortgages, growing old together. What is the point of being with someone if you can stray off somewhere else? Its this new generation that tries to put a spin on everything that wasn't broke to begin with. I hate open relationships and I do view it as cheating. But again, maybe I am old fashioned.

BTW I LOVE the design of your blog, probably one of the best ive seen. Thanks for swinging by my site and leaving me a compliment, I will be faving your blog and I will visit often. Best wishes and keep up the great work Eboni!

Annie said...

You're so right.
It would be terrible to know that the person you loved was romping around with someone else.
Personally, it would break my heart.
At least when they're cheating you get the shock and you get to move on. If they're constantly engaging in sexual behavior with another individual and you know about it, wow. . that would suck.
Great blog!

alykorn said...

Open relationships are not one sided. I have several friends that are in open relationships and they sit down and discuss it BEFORE they decide to be in a relationship with each other. And it is not something new to this generation. It has been around a looooong time. Look into ancient Japanese culture and Indian culture.
It is strange to me because my husband of ten years is my best friend/soulmate. I could not bring in another person to disrupt the love that we have fought to keep.
But it is not cheating if both parties agree that this is fine. Sometimes women and men have so many issues that keeping themselves to one person is impossible. And no matter what kind of relationship you have you always run the risk of the other person leaving.

Carrie said...

I believe the term 'open-relationship' is a perfect example of an oxymoron. If we decide to be in a realtionship then thats exactly what we are in. An exclusive commitment to one another. Now, it is my understanding that an 'open-relationship' allows the two people involved to have a sexual and an emotional relationship with other people. Then whats the point of commiting yourself to anyone at all?

Personally, I'm not down with anything 'open'. A married woman wanted to get with me.. I told her that she had already made a commitment to someone else, a life-long one at that. She acted like I was the crazy one.. told me her husband supported her.. I just couldn't be a part of that freaky shit.

If you can't be monogamous with your emotions or your body parts, you just need to be single.

Deviki @ Viki said...

hey great post ....i totally agree with you ... i feel what you are trying to express I too feel like an open relationship is wrong especially if your are legally involve with someone. I don't like the idea of my hubby (suppose if I’m married) having strong relationship with some other gal or dude's just wrong ...for me married means you are tied withy that person and your children ...if can't handle that why even bother getting married right ?

Virginia said...

love the vibe of your site. i think being with two people is cheating IF the other doesn't know about it. If you are playing the field, just dating, and the other person is also doing the same, then it's fine. All cards are laid on the table. But cheating is deception. It's lying and conniving to have your way. In that sense it is wrong, unloving and cruel. It may seem ok but it will definitely end lead you to some very bad headtrips! Keep up the great work with your site!
--Virginia aka "headtrips"

mizzeboni said...

thank u guys for all of your comments I am really loving reading all the different viewpoints. Im esp glad to see you guys pretty much agreed with me =]

-eboni (KEEP EM COMIN!!_

Alone in Holy Land said...

I like the way you're looking at things, I like the way you disect every aspect of life and I like that you care enough about, well just about everything, to give it so much thought at work.
I am definitely a "one to one" relationship type of person. I am faithful to the point of stupidity,call me old-fashioned, but I take commitment very seriously.
When you cheat, or allow to be cheated, that's hurtful and unfair and selfish.
Keep up the great job!
My best

Morticia said...

Hi Eboni,

I personally agree with your viewpoint. I think it's ridiculous and lacking a great amount of intelligence to try and derive satisfaction from this type of situation. If I go out with someone then it means I like them enough to spend copious amounts of time, energy and eventually affection on them, so I'm ot someone who would be willing to share that with others. Not in a romantic way. I don't comprehend how people can dabble in things like that or why it's so appealing. Thanks for writing about it, it's really good to see someone is questioning it because I've heard so many people talking about this type of thing happening to them.

Michelle :)

Eclipse said...

I actually do agree with you (and I'm a pretty open-minded person). I knew an open couple and they had to stop their adventuring because the woman began to get jealous. Is it cheating? No. Think of a card game: When a person pulls a stunt, they don't want the other person to know. This same definition applies to relationships.

Believe it or not, I've actually told my significant other that I wouldn't be very bothered by him having sex with someone else - but if it turned emotional, I would have a huge problem with it. He thought I was crazy in saying that and told me he'd never do either of those. Made me feel good, but I'm a realist. Either way, I trust him. To each couple, their own I guess.

Opinions With a Spot Of Truth said...

I could never personally do this. It would drive me insane. If I wanted an open relationship, I might as well do friends with benefits. Things usually end up complicated in these types of situations.

mizzeboni said...

thank you guys so much for your opinios, i really love hearing them because, frankly, this is what my blog is about- hearing from you. I present my side and see how many other sides there are and try to stay objective. Its about seeing the same topic presented from the minds of different people and having an open enough mind to know that im not always right. Thanks so much




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