because all opinions are not created equal

I finally got around to reading my new Cosmo, the August edition with Katy Perry on the front, when I began reading an interesting article that was written inside. It was entitled "4 Words that Cheatproof His Love" ("you are so hot") by Korin Miller. I decided to glance over it because, lets face it, men have been known to have a difficult time being faithful in a relationship. I actually agreed with her on some key points:

• " 'You are so hot' taps in to a deep-seated insecurity for many men and offers them the reassurance they're yearning for"-- I have always felt that men, even those with the best intentions, have a weakness for an attractive woman coming on to them (just like women do with men). Women tend to forget the power of being physically desired by someone else because we can go down the street and be offered sex 8 times. Men dont usually get this because society has taught them to be the aggressor, and women have fallen into this routine too. We dont feel its our "place" to chase a man so we dont. But when another woman begins chasing a man, that makes them feel desired, the attention is addicting and only amplified in a long-term, beginning to get boring and routine relationship.

• "Some men 'are so starved for validation'- if you say 'you are so hot' you've got 'em" - although men call us the weaker sex, they are by FAR weaker than women are. I always say that its harder for US not to cheat because we are being pressed CONSTANTLY for sex or what-not. Men, you have to actually go UP to the girl (ok, some guys are constantly being hit on but I am talking about the majority of the population that isnt) and bring up a convo, get aroused THEN try and use the excuse you were just ooooooo so tempted. PLEASE. Men want that ego-stroke too, just like women want to feel attractive to the opposite sex. Why else would we have tons of makeup, body enhancing (or de-hancing lol) products, sexy clothes, high heels- everything geared to attracting men.

• " 'In a long-term relationship, if you want to keep passion alive, you have to keep the sexy compliments coming'...and by letting him know you want him, he'll be less likely to fall for it if some skank tries the same tactic"

This last one is the one that finally got me snapped out of my one-sided mentality and wake up to the reality that is staring me in the face. Although I agreed with the article, why is it that women have to try and cheatproof their relationship? Why is it that we have to keep the MAN from straying? Who says we haven't thought about it once or twice?

(OK DISCLAIMER TIME: baby, I am NOT thinking about cheating on you sweetie, this is just somethings that are coming from my opinion. I love you so much!-- sorry, my man reads my blog so I dont want him thinking im trying to say something. lol)

I went and typed "Cheat proof relationships" into Google just to make sure I was not being crazy and like I expected, most to all of the articles were geared to women cheatproofing their relationship or it openly tried to address both genders of a relationship. But when they addressed both sexes, in the little footnotes where you can see related articles, they tended to say " 12 signs he's cheating on you, How to catch a cheating boyfriend, Is he the one, How to forgive him after cheating" BUUTT I thought we were trying not to be bias. Our society has shifted the minds of women to think that men are the only ones capable of being unfaithful (I use this very loosely because we ALL know women cheat too). Almost every article or (when I was looking for a pic to go with this blog) picture was saying/showing the man cheating. Then we run around trying to find ways to make sure our men dont stray from us.

I love how they are trying to help women, but why arent they trying to change the man? Why are there no tips and tricks for him to use to keep US happy and from straying? No, they want us to run to the MAC stores and Victoria Secret all in hopes that he wont turn another eye. Newsflash- HE IS STILL GOING TO LOOK SWEETIE! Im sorry, but its the truth. I cant stand that we have been so brainwashed into thinking that there are things we can do to keep him from cheating. NOTHING we do can keep a man from cheating if he has already decided in his mind and heart that he is going to do it. It has to come from HIM wanting to do the right thing and HIM having the self-control to say no to tempting situations. All we can do is love and respect that man, if he doesnt appreciate this or appreciates it and still wants to be with other women too, then that is HIS problem. NOT YOURS

I digress from that because that was my little sidebar that I feel needed to be said. My whole point of this post was to maybe get some answers to the question, why dont men get these tips? I would think men writers and editors would put out some more tips for men to keep their women satisfied. Especially since we are approached more, more outwardly desired and, lets face it, ARENT DEAD. We see other attractive men when going out, we like attention, we love to hear "you are so hot". Why is it assumed that we just do not have the propensity to cheat? Why is it assumed by men that we wont turn an eye to the fine guy at the bar offering us a drink? Are we so much stronger than men when dealing with temptation that they feel that we wont go over and accept that drink? My whole opinion is this: we want to be cherished too. I want to find just ONE article that is written by a man geared toward other men to help them with their relationships. I just want ONE! I mean, I am in a great relationship with a man I love very much and I know he loves me (not that there arent things we dont need to work on), but i get approached by other men on a daily basis. Where are the articles out there trying to get him to cheatproof our relationship? Why is it posed to rest on ME to make sure HE doesnt stray? Why is it that the woman has to worry about weight, hair, makeup, clothes- her overall appearance in hopes to keep her man happy while still working a full time job with kids? And when his six-pack has turned into a keg...

I feel that we need to wake up and realize that there are two people in a relationship. Two people who have the full capability of something called self-control. Two people, also, with the ability to lose it. I just want women to stop reading these stupid advice tips and love your man with all you've got. That is ALL you can do, if he doesnt respect it then you know what you have to do. I got so sick of checking emails, texts, myspace, phone records and just let it go. I resolved in myself that I can only love him the best I can and if decides my best isn't good enough to be faithful to them F' it and Im moving on. Just realizing that released so much stress and pressure of trying to "make" him stay faithful to me. I stopped and by then I could focus on genuinely trying to make myself and our relationship better. By genuinely I mean that I was no longer trying to be nice or not have an attitude before he went out so that he wouldnt be tempted to cheat, I was doing it because I need to work on it point-blank. The fact of the matter is that guys usually cheat for sex, women cheat because they are missing that emotional connection that they lost with their man. With this being known, I would think that their would be more geared toward men trying to keep their women happy and satisfied. But the reality of it is that their isnt. It is sad, but its reality. So I am here to say that you need to communicate with your man about what you want in order to keep YOU faithful, keep YOU from being tempted. If he chooses not to listen then dust off your freak-um dress and find someone who will.

Im a tad upset because I had this whole post done then it was accidently deleted, sooo Im pissed about that but I will try to remember everything.

I was wondering the other day, is it really possible for people to forgive AND forget. Everyone goes around saying that we must forgive and forget in order to get on with our lives, but I just dont think this is possible whatsoever. God tells us to forgive each other so that he can forgive us for our sins, but (unless I am wrong, correct me if so) I dont remember him saying to forget about these transgressions from others against us. I seriously may be wrong but I only recall him saying that he was the only one to throw our sins into the sea of forgetfulness. I truly believe that human beings are incapable of doing so.

I know that we should forgive (which is extremely hard for me because I dont let anything go) others not only because it is what we are called to do, but also because its good for your own self. I mean, holding on to things that people have done to you is detrimental to yourself because while that person is going around living life, everytime you think about that person you get angry, uncomfortable, and sometimes cant even function with the rest of your day. Its unhealthy at best because a hardened heart fosters a damaged soul. But that is not even the part I'm truly focusing on, its the forgetting part that I am trying to elaborate on. Take this for example: My boyfriend and I were living together when we started having a lot of arguments and frustration as many couples have. We were just not getting along at all. So, against my repeated instructions, he went and told his brother what was going on with us. His brother decided to try and hook him up with a female that stayed around our area. This was the most enraging thing that had ever happened to me. When I say that I was mad, I was INFURIATED. I truly lost it because I felt that no matter what we are going through, its nobody elses job to try and fix it. Needless to say, this didnt help our arguing whatsoever. I could not get over it for so long and whenever I would think about it, I would get so upset that I could sometimes not function because it was all I could think about. And it wasnt like this was some distant friend or relative, this was his brother so I knew he would stay in contact with him. I didnt know what to do because I felt that he shouldnt want to talk to someone who had completely disrespected me like that, but I also knew how close they were. I felt so angry for so long and it wasnt until I went to church and my pastor said, "You have never forgiven someone until you can think about that situation and it no longer hurts or upsets you". This is where my breakthrough came. He broke it down about how that person is going on with their life and not thinking anything about you, and you cant stop thinking about them. I prayed a LONG time about it and I finally got to the point where it didnt hurt anymore, I wasnt sad anymore.

So I had forgiven him for it all because it was only hindering me and my relationship as well when I thought about it. But could I really forget? I mean Im told that I should forget as well but how is that POSSIBLE? How can I forget something that was done to me that had me more angry than I had ever been before? I feel that when you forget, you are to perceive the situation as never happening. So you are to go up to the person, love that person, respect that person because is that not what you are supposed to do to people that have done nothing wrong to you? I know some of you are like, HELL NO! I couldnt do that. So you truly have not forgotten because you could not imagine doing that to someone who has hurt you immensely. I dont think I will ever forget what his brother did to me because I feel that people show you who they really are, it is just our jobs to decipher it. He showed me who he was as a person, so why should I forget what he did and leave myself open to being hurt by his ignorance again. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me right? It is just like the saying that experience is the best teacher. If you take something that has happened to you and completely forgotten about it, then how can you learn from it. If you have made mistakes in your life, you forgive yourself for making them, but then you learn not to do them again. What if you just forgot every mistake you made, you leave yourself open to making those same mistakes again, and again, and again. So if you forget, how are you supposed to grow. I learn how to trust from what I have seen people do to me and for me. If someone has repeatedly hurt me, and I just keep forgiving and forgetting, how do I learn what is good for me; how do I learn that that situation is not healthy for me?

SO, my question for you guys is: Is it really possible to forgive AND forget?

He taught me some things, minor things. He taught me never to sit on another man's lap when I was a little girl, he taught me how to ride a bike, he taught me how to skate and not to fall asleep in church. Be good to my mother, love my brother and sister. He taught me how to paint my toenails by doing it himself. He taught me how to swing and not to play with boys!


But he never taught me how to love a man, trust a man. When all you see is him walking out on your mother because of another woman, its kind of hard for him to teach you about how to trust that someone that doesnt HAVE to love you will stay. I understand, she was just a little more important.

He never taught me that I shouldnt be "so" strong. How I should let the man be the man sometimes and that I dont have to control everything because it is what makes me comfortable. That I should take a step back and trust another to take control for me. But I understand, he left my mother to be strong all by herself so thats all I know. I try not to blame him, "she" was just a little more important.

He never taught me how to build a man up, how he needs to know that he is just as important or more important than your friends. How he needs to know that you are supportive in all that he does. He didnt teach me that saying "i told you so" or declaring that I was right was not nearly as important as saying "im here for you even though you may not have been right". But I understand, i know its hard to teach someone how to build up a man when you arent around to be built up. I know that "she" was just a little more important.

He never taught me that boys are sometimes mean, they will hurt you and not care. Dont trust all of them because some lie to your face, sneak behind your back, take advantage of you, break your heart, disrespect you to the point when the "right" one comes you are so guarded that you almost lose him. But I understand, its hard to teach me that when you are doing the same thing. I know you didnt want to sound like a hypocrite, i know that "she" just was more important.

He never taught me that just because he walked out didnt mean that the one who loved me would. That all men truly arent the same and that someone would truly want to stay with me forever. He never taught me how to trust a guy, to put it all on the line, risk it all because being in love is so much greater than guarding yourself to shelter you from the pain of love. But I understand, its a hard world out there, you had to take care of "her" and her child instead of raising your own.

He never taught me how to forgive, how I shouldnt hold things against people for so long. It does nothing but ruin me and only me. He never taught me how to try and reconcile and to push all the anger, frustration, hurt and rejection to the side and that time truly does heal but only if you let it. He never taught me how to pick up the phone and return his calls, how to write back to him, call him on his birthday even if he didnt call me on mine, how to at least send him a b.s card for fathers day because that at least is better than nothing, how to try and see him again because he is just a 2 hour flight away, how to tell him that I would love for him to walk me down the aisle one day, how to choose forgivness over hostility, how to love him regardless of the past. THAT i dont understand.

I have always wondered what made people cheat. I mean, not someone who does it once and never does it again, but those who seem to be "repeat offenders". What causes them to feel that they just need to dip out on their significant other and pursue someone that they may not even want to deal with outside of sex. Why mess up something that is going good for a few minutes, or hours, of sex? This led me to pose the question, can people be pushed to cheat? Are there certain situations in which someone may get a "pass" if they gotcaught up?


I have had this convo with others and myself (dont laugh, i do think to myself!). Some believe that there is NO excuse to cheat, its wrong and they use the oh-so-famous "once a cheater, always a cheater" (which is a WHOLE other post because I couldn't disagree more). Others believe that there are some times when people are pushed into the arms of others because they dont have that "something good". I believe that there are times when you feel so compelled to run to something or someone else because you can feel so irritated, frustrated, unappreciated, emotionally drained by the person you are with that ANYTHING looks better. However, I believe that these are the times that you should grow close to your mate. These are the times when communication is so crucial because the other may truly not feel things are that bad. These are the times when your man or woman needs to know how you feel and what you are planning to do and they need to show you that you ARE important to them and then that is when working on the relationship comes into place.


I am very objective in everything. I can see both sides of an argument before they are even presented so I can see those who say that there is no excuse for cheating. They feel that why cheat? Why not break up? Which leads me to pose another question, why don't they leave? Especially the "repeat offenders". Those who use the reason that they were driven to cheat by nagging or feeling lonely or feeling detached or unappreciative, blah blah blah, why do you stay with that person? Something is drawing you back or drawing you to stay. Whether it be that you really care for that person or you are using them (lets keep it real, it does happen)for a place to stay or be "taken care of".


On the other hand of my objectivity, is there a "get out of jail free" card in regards to cheating? Bad sex, nagging, boredom, ect.? Are there times when we can "understand" when someone runs to the arms of someone else. I mean, dont look at it just as men cheating on their women, women cheat too! If your girl said her man is not paying her any attention and they barely talk, does she get a "pass" to jump in the bed with someone else? If your boy says his girl complains constantly, always got an attitude, dont take care of herself anymore, does he have a "get out of cheater jail" pass?


This leads to the 80/20 rule, do you think it really exists? Should we really just ignore that 20 or deal with it because the 80 is so great? What if the 80 is that they have a job, money, house, loves jesus, takes care of you, supports and loves your family, very bright, articulate, well-dressed, extremely attractive, but the 20 is they are constantly lying and cheating on you? Are you supposed to deal with that 20 to compensate for the 80? I personally do not believe in the 80/20 rule, I believe there is only 60% of a person you like, 20% you can deal with, and the last 20% causes you to be tempted to stray.But that is just me

But you speak on it..

Thanks to @brookandthecity (you can catch her @ www.absolutebrook.com too) I just had to post another topic even though I wasnt today. Ok, she posed the question "ok folk, question of the day-which came first, the sex or the date? DAMN do women get courted anymore? what happened to the "DATE" (via Twitter). And by reading her retweeted responses I got a sense that chivalry is dead and gone and there are no "dates" anymore, just "hook-ups", "casual encounters", and in some pretty bad situations "I took you to McDonalds, so that counts as a date" and still think it is ok to ask for sex. She may go ahead and post that on her site, so Im not even going to talk about that because that would be triflin!! lol..She also posted something saying that her former hs friend or associate married her one night stand. THAT IS WHERE MY BLOG PICKS UP!! lol..I tweeted her back saying that me and my boyfriend (yes, we are still together, over 3 1/2 years) went on our first date and the next night we met up we had sex. Ok, we have a lot of situations surrounding why we couldnt date (long story, no time for it here)so we decided to be "comfort buddies" (lol, you know what i REALLY mean). But it turned into a relationship anyways and we've been together ever since, even moved to a different state together and we are still making it.


Enough about that, my question is: Does sex on the first date or "friends with benefits" really lead to nothing more? I know its rare but,just like in my circumstance, it led to a healthy, loving relationship. But the other 90% of people who try this fail miserably. Why is that? Why do some work and others do not? I cannot say that Oh, it was just the sex because sex is not the only reason to stay with someone and that is why I believe "friends with benefits" fail. Is it the chemistry or do you guys believe it really is the sex? There have been some cases where people marry after knowing their spouse for a day and are married for 30, 40 years.And then there are people who knew there spouse a few years before they are married and end up divorcing. I am baffled (yes I said baffled!) about what makes these situations work for some and not for others. I mean, I do not think we did anything out of the ordinary or we are just two tremendously compatible people and that is why we lasted. Reflecting on it, I really and truly dont know how we made it past that time where we KNEW that sex was all it could be.


So Im throwing it out there, what does or does not make a "friends with benefits" or "first date sexual encounter" progress further than just that?