because all opinions are not created equal

I finally got around to reading my new Cosmo, the August edition with Katy Perry on the front, when I began reading an interesting article that was written inside. It was entitled "4 Words that Cheatproof His Love" ("you are so hot") by Korin Miller. I decided to glance over it because, lets face it, men have been known to have a difficult time being faithful in a relationship. I actually agreed with her on some key points:

• " 'You are so hot' taps in to a deep-seated insecurity for many men and offers them the reassurance they're yearning for"-- I have always felt that men, even those with the best intentions, have a weakness for an attractive woman coming on to them (just like women do with men). Women tend to forget the power of being physically desired by someone else because we can go down the street and be offered sex 8 times. Men dont usually get this because society has taught them to be the aggressor, and women have fallen into this routine too. We dont feel its our "place" to chase a man so we dont. But when another woman begins chasing a man, that makes them feel desired, the attention is addicting and only amplified in a long-term, beginning to get boring and routine relationship.

• "Some men 'are so starved for validation'- if you say 'you are so hot' you've got 'em" - although men call us the weaker sex, they are by FAR weaker than women are. I always say that its harder for US not to cheat because we are being pressed CONSTANTLY for sex or what-not. Men, you have to actually go UP to the girl (ok, some guys are constantly being hit on but I am talking about the majority of the population that isnt) and bring up a convo, get aroused THEN try and use the excuse you were just ooooooo so tempted. PLEASE. Men want that ego-stroke too, just like women want to feel attractive to the opposite sex. Why else would we have tons of makeup, body enhancing (or de-hancing lol) products, sexy clothes, high heels- everything geared to attracting men.

• " 'In a long-term relationship, if you want to keep passion alive, you have to keep the sexy compliments coming'...and by letting him know you want him, he'll be less likely to fall for it if some skank tries the same tactic"

This last one is the one that finally got me snapped out of my one-sided mentality and wake up to the reality that is staring me in the face. Although I agreed with the article, why is it that women have to try and cheatproof their relationship? Why is it that we have to keep the MAN from straying? Who says we haven't thought about it once or twice?

(OK DISCLAIMER TIME: baby, I am NOT thinking about cheating on you sweetie, this is just somethings that are coming from my opinion. I love you so much!-- sorry, my man reads my blog so I dont want him thinking im trying to say something. lol)

I went and typed "Cheat proof relationships" into Google just to make sure I was not being crazy and like I expected, most to all of the articles were geared to women cheatproofing their relationship or it openly tried to address both genders of a relationship. But when they addressed both sexes, in the little footnotes where you can see related articles, they tended to say " 12 signs he's cheating on you, How to catch a cheating boyfriend, Is he the one, How to forgive him after cheating" BUUTT I thought we were trying not to be bias. Our society has shifted the minds of women to think that men are the only ones capable of being unfaithful (I use this very loosely because we ALL know women cheat too). Almost every article or (when I was looking for a pic to go with this blog) picture was saying/showing the man cheating. Then we run around trying to find ways to make sure our men dont stray from us.

I love how they are trying to help women, but why arent they trying to change the man? Why are there no tips and tricks for him to use to keep US happy and from straying? No, they want us to run to the MAC stores and Victoria Secret all in hopes that he wont turn another eye. Newsflash- HE IS STILL GOING TO LOOK SWEETIE! Im sorry, but its the truth. I cant stand that we have been so brainwashed into thinking that there are things we can do to keep him from cheating. NOTHING we do can keep a man from cheating if he has already decided in his mind and heart that he is going to do it. It has to come from HIM wanting to do the right thing and HIM having the self-control to say no to tempting situations. All we can do is love and respect that man, if he doesnt appreciate this or appreciates it and still wants to be with other women too, then that is HIS problem. NOT YOURS

I digress from that because that was my little sidebar that I feel needed to be said. My whole point of this post was to maybe get some answers to the question, why dont men get these tips? I would think men writers and editors would put out some more tips for men to keep their women satisfied. Especially since we are approached more, more outwardly desired and, lets face it, ARENT DEAD. We see other attractive men when going out, we like attention, we love to hear "you are so hot". Why is it assumed that we just do not have the propensity to cheat? Why is it assumed by men that we wont turn an eye to the fine guy at the bar offering us a drink? Are we so much stronger than men when dealing with temptation that they feel that we wont go over and accept that drink? My whole opinion is this: we want to be cherished too. I want to find just ONE article that is written by a man geared toward other men to help them with their relationships. I just want ONE! I mean, I am in a great relationship with a man I love very much and I know he loves me (not that there arent things we dont need to work on), but i get approached by other men on a daily basis. Where are the articles out there trying to get him to cheatproof our relationship? Why is it posed to rest on ME to make sure HE doesnt stray? Why is it that the woman has to worry about weight, hair, makeup, clothes- her overall appearance in hopes to keep her man happy while still working a full time job with kids? And when his six-pack has turned into a keg...

I feel that we need to wake up and realize that there are two people in a relationship. Two people who have the full capability of something called self-control. Two people, also, with the ability to lose it. I just want women to stop reading these stupid advice tips and love your man with all you've got. That is ALL you can do, if he doesnt respect it then you know what you have to do. I got so sick of checking emails, texts, myspace, phone records and just let it go. I resolved in myself that I can only love him the best I can and if decides my best isn't good enough to be faithful to them F' it and Im moving on. Just realizing that released so much stress and pressure of trying to "make" him stay faithful to me. I stopped and by then I could focus on genuinely trying to make myself and our relationship better. By genuinely I mean that I was no longer trying to be nice or not have an attitude before he went out so that he wouldnt be tempted to cheat, I was doing it because I need to work on it point-blank. The fact of the matter is that guys usually cheat for sex, women cheat because they are missing that emotional connection that they lost with their man. With this being known, I would think that their would be more geared toward men trying to keep their women happy and satisfied. But the reality of it is that their isnt. It is sad, but its reality. So I am here to say that you need to communicate with your man about what you want in order to keep YOU faithful, keep YOU from being tempted. If he chooses not to listen then dust off your freak-um dress and find someone who will.

I was watching this True Life episode (yes, that is my show- i love documentaries- and NOT just MTV ones, real ones too) which was about these people who were bisexual and wanted relationships with both a man and a woman at the same time. You guys may have seen it, it was the one with A.D in it from "From G's to Gents". Well, one girl took the cake in my opinion. She was married while dating this other chick. Her husband divorced her because he probably couldn't handle the thought of her being with another woman while he was off in the military. Well, she made a statement that went something like, "the next man I date will have to accept me being with another woman". This is where I began to think about open relationships. I began to wonder why people engaged in them and what emotional toll it could take on someone.

I have never and will never be a fan of open relationships but there are many people who are. Some say that they are perfectly capable of handling their significant other being with someone else. When most people think of these "relationships", the first thing that comes to their mind is, "how can you let your man/woman sleep with someone else and you know about it?" I dont blame them because this is the way I looked at it. But then comes the reality that there is not only sexual aspects of this relationship but emotional ones too. Im NOT talking about relationships where your man or woman is cheatin on you and you either dont know about it or know about it and are praying she/he stops. Im talkin about relationships where you KNOW of this person and it is ok with you. Is the emotional relationship any worse or less worse than the sexual one?

Why do we define cheating as soley the sexual connection that took place. In my opinion, I believe that an emotional one is much worse than a sexual one. A sexual one is based off that, just sex. And while this is still a big thing, imagine if feelings were involved? This is where the line is completely crossed. When there is just sex, then it can get boring or it can get lead to the person realizing their heart is with their actual spouse. When someone develops feelings for someone then that is where it can get dangerous because that emotional connection is stronger than anything. This is where that person wants to be with that person, spend time outside of sex with that person, thinks about leaving YOU for that person. An emotional affair is just and sometimes even more painful than a physical one.But some may think otherwise.

So what happens when these emotional connections become intertwined in a 3-way relationship? I find it hard to believe that someone will not get jealous or love is never divulged towards one more than the other. How is it that people can be ok with someone they love being emotionally tied to someone while being sexually satisfied with that person as well? I mean, we are jealous by nature. Its hard to deny that. I mean, take it like this: what do you do or how do you feel when you are at a beach and your significant other does a prolonged glance at someone else (OF THE SAME SEX--for you smart-a**es lol)? Now imagine them kissing and touching and laughing and spending time together in and outside of the bedroom. Now, imagine you being aware of this and sometimes in the picture when they are engaged in this behavior. Can you handle that?

Many would see this as cheating, but is it? Is it only cheating if you are not aware of the infidelity? Or is it still not cheating if you are ok with it? I mean, this is where cheating becomes tricky because there are different opinions and situations (which i will touch on in other posts) where some may think it was cheating and others may not. I can not understand how some people can be ok with allowing someone they love to be with someone else. I know that everyone is different and all that but it is almost like saying that you are not worthy enough to have all of that person. You are not, solely, good enough for that person to give their whole heart to. You are not enough for that person to want to be with for the rest of their lives. And you are ok with this. That seems backwards to me. I feel these people are manipulating those who are weak minded and desperate for some sort of love and affection that they will take it at any costs. They want to have their fun and sleep with other people, basically have their cake and eat it too, and want you to be perfectly ok with it. That, to me, is so selfish and hurtful to the person they are claiming to love. I dont believe that there is a "the one", I believe that you maneuver in and out of relationships in life and you are genuinely in love with some of those people. However, I do not believe that you can truly be in-love (NOTE: im not sayin LOVE, im saying IN-LOVE..there is a difference) someone and be open to having emotional and sexual ties to someone else.

So, is this cheating?

I have always wondered what made people cheat. I mean, not someone who does it once and never does it again, but those who seem to be "repeat offenders". What causes them to feel that they just need to dip out on their significant other and pursue someone that they may not even want to deal with outside of sex. Why mess up something that is going good for a few minutes, or hours, of sex? This led me to pose the question, can people be pushed to cheat? Are there certain situations in which someone may get a "pass" if they gotcaught up?


I have had this convo with others and myself (dont laugh, i do think to myself!). Some believe that there is NO excuse to cheat, its wrong and they use the oh-so-famous "once a cheater, always a cheater" (which is a WHOLE other post because I couldn't disagree more). Others believe that there are some times when people are pushed into the arms of others because they dont have that "something good". I believe that there are times when you feel so compelled to run to something or someone else because you can feel so irritated, frustrated, unappreciated, emotionally drained by the person you are with that ANYTHING looks better. However, I believe that these are the times that you should grow close to your mate. These are the times when communication is so crucial because the other may truly not feel things are that bad. These are the times when your man or woman needs to know how you feel and what you are planning to do and they need to show you that you ARE important to them and then that is when working on the relationship comes into place.


I am very objective in everything. I can see both sides of an argument before they are even presented so I can see those who say that there is no excuse for cheating. They feel that why cheat? Why not break up? Which leads me to pose another question, why don't they leave? Especially the "repeat offenders". Those who use the reason that they were driven to cheat by nagging or feeling lonely or feeling detached or unappreciative, blah blah blah, why do you stay with that person? Something is drawing you back or drawing you to stay. Whether it be that you really care for that person or you are using them (lets keep it real, it does happen)for a place to stay or be "taken care of".


On the other hand of my objectivity, is there a "get out of jail free" card in regards to cheating? Bad sex, nagging, boredom, ect.? Are there times when we can "understand" when someone runs to the arms of someone else. I mean, dont look at it just as men cheating on their women, women cheat too! If your girl said her man is not paying her any attention and they barely talk, does she get a "pass" to jump in the bed with someone else? If your boy says his girl complains constantly, always got an attitude, dont take care of herself anymore, does he have a "get out of cheater jail" pass?


This leads to the 80/20 rule, do you think it really exists? Should we really just ignore that 20 or deal with it because the 80 is so great? What if the 80 is that they have a job, money, house, loves jesus, takes care of you, supports and loves your family, very bright, articulate, well-dressed, extremely attractive, but the 20 is they are constantly lying and cheating on you? Are you supposed to deal with that 20 to compensate for the 80? I personally do not believe in the 80/20 rule, I believe there is only 60% of a person you like, 20% you can deal with, and the last 20% causes you to be tempted to stray.But that is just me

But you speak on it..